So what do you want to know?

MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com


*Disclaimer*

Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

**There are clickable links on some words to enhance your reading experience. Click them. You should. They're blue; it'll make their day**

Thursday 16 December 2010

*Caution - Contains the O word* My rant for the Oprah Bah Humbugs



This is what I posted on a Daily Telegraph Facebook page for Oprah fans, in response to the knuckle-draggers that are moaning about Oprah starving their kids and pets.

Ok this is (basically) what I posted on another comment which was a regurgitation of things I've been posting on this page for a few weeks. It makes me cranky that people buy into the sensationalist headings and severely edited (skewed) articles the media put out there to stir up talk and controversy.

That's not a dig at you Daily Telegraph! (Although I did forget to precede my comment with the get-out-of-jail-free disclaimer of "No offense, but...")

Merely a reminder for people to find the facts amongst the opinions and to use their intelligence before freaking out at emotion-tugging words and phrases like TAX PAYER DOLLARS (argh! Avert your eyes children!), AUSSIE BATTLERS NEGLECTED (quick children, scrape them up off the pavement, I think we can save them) and OPRAH CLAIMS ASHES WHILE SPITTING ON ANZAC BISCUITS AND DANCING ON DON BRADMAN'S GRAVE.
See if you can spot the fact from fiction.

Let's just remember that Oprah isn't Pacman and your family's grocery money isn't the pac-dots she consumes.

$5m through Tourism Australia (the tax dollars SOME people are freaking out over) was used to pay for logistics within Sydney surrounding the event - redirecting traffic, extra police patrols for crowd safety etc.
None of that $5m went to Oprah, Harpo or anyone to do with the event. Everything else was paid for by corporate sponsors who would have otherwise spent the money on those annoying ads in between your favourite tv programs, or between the pages of your magazine.
And that $5m will very quickly be turned into many, many more millions now and in years to come by the tourism it generates.

And every single one of the 200 audience members she brought over plus the 200 staff members, all spent money here and paid GST on the goods and services they used. That tax money goes directly down the line all the way to our primary producers.

I've said this a few times on this board - $5m for 4 hours of prime time advertising in over 100 countries, presented by one of the most famous faces in the world = BARGAIN.

Compare it to the $180m that was spent on bikini-clad Lara Bingle skipping across the sand yelling "Where the bloody hell are ya?", an ad campaign that did not, and could not, net us nearly as much publicity and ergo, money, and there is no logical angle to complain from.
Our country (and its people) have, in huge part, tourism to thank for the standard of living we enjoy, the natural beauty that has been preserved for aesthetics' (if not always morals') sake and the infrastructure we take for granted every day.

Tourism Australia has a budget to spend every year on promoting our country as a destination to the world. $5m is such a tiny part of that budget and this year, it was allocated to the Oprah event. Next year, that same $5m will go towards something you will probably never hear of, let alone have a chance to participate in.

Oprah has had the tourist boards of countless countries courting her for years, to come and visit their country to promote it. And out of all the ones she could have chosen, she chose ours. The first and only Oprah show to be filmed outside North America and WE got it. TWO in fact!
Even if you're not a fan of Oprah, Americans, pink diamonds, tv shows or indeed anything fun, if you are an Australian resident, YOU WILL benefit from this.

This event will be the literal manifestation of what she said to the crowds yesterday, which was a more flowery version of the old adage - you reap what you sow.

We put in one small seed and from it we will harvest so much more.

Plus I got a pink diamond necklace. Nuff said.

Ok. I'm finished.

By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

Sunday 22 August 2010

Too much pepper.

Louise asks:
We know too much salt is bad for you, but what about pepper? Are there health risks from having too much pepper?

In short, no.

In long, it has benefits, such as aiding digestion by stimulating taste buds which in turn encourage the stomach to produce more hydrochloric acid which is necessary for the digestion of protein. It is also diaphoretic (makes sweat) and diuretic (makes wee).

It was also used as currency in Ancient Greece. If you thought 5c coins were annoying, imagine peppercorns in your Oroton purse.

Interesting fact: pepper is also a carminative, meaning it helps stop you farting. I rekon that's rubbish. My Gran snowed everything with white pepper and she trumpeted like James Morrison until she died.

By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

Celebrity baby naming. Why?

Charlene asks:

Monique, I want to know... why would Natalie Bassingthwaite name her defenseless baby girl Harper Rain Sinclair McGlinchey? Harper is a book publisher, rain is a type of weather, Sinclair is a surname, but who's, is it short for Bassingthwaite? and McGlinchey, OK, I get that, it's her Daddy's surname. Can you explain celebrity naming in general?


Well, Charlene, you've unwittingly fallen into the trap set by Miss Bassingthwaighte, that trap being the trail of names she sprinkled around like kindling, that you have now gathered up to create a fire of celebrity gossip. Or "spark" might be a more appropriate analogy for this forum. I need more followers to warrant a "fire".

Call me cynical, call me cyclical (Cyclical has 9-1 odds for the Bloom/Kerr baby name) but I do believe it is all in aid of that addictive drug called Publicity. Stealing from rapper Nelly, let me break it down for you.

Firstly, I shall steer clear of the first name, Harper, as I know a little girl called Harper and I can't be impartial enough to make bitchy comments. Not in public anyway.

Sources close to the star, but still adhering to the 100m court-ordered distance, tell me the choice of Rain could be attributed to the latest celebrity craze of Cosmic Ordering. By writing the name down on the birth certificate, Natalie has asked the cosmos to deliver her wish of rain for the drought addled outback of Australia. Alternatively, it could affirm her wish to rule Australian TV and improve her spelling.

Sinclair, must surely be a respectful nod to a dead grandparent or a humorous nod to the disastrous Sinclair C5 electric car of the 80s. I'd hazard a guess it's the first, but would LOVE for it to be the second.

These theories address the justification of the names chosen, but not the crucial "how could you?" element of celebrity baby naming. I have a further theory on that and it goes a little something like this.

For those profoundly famous people, your David Beckhams, Angelina Jolies and Madonnas, their fame is so great, its macrobiotic energy will continue through several generations. This means their children, grandchildren and possibly great-step-half-grandchildren will be famous for no other reason than for being their kin. With this fame, comes money. Usually lots of it too. Therefore, these inherited-fame kids will always be well known no matter what they do and most likely, they won't even need to "do" anything. So why worry about what other, lesser, mere-mortals think about the choice of name you give your adopted orphan? Annie is sooo 1980s, unless you change the spelling to Anii.

The problem with weird names for average folk, is having to deal with the double-takes, sniggers, probing questions and "Sorry, didn't quite catch that..." responses when introducing yourself to people. Not to mention having difficulty being taken seriously as a corporate solicitor or investment banker when you have to sign subpoenas or cheques with "Rhino Ferragamo Blackett-Wrench"

Uber-celebrity sprogs will never have this problem as their fame will always overshadow the weirdness of their moniker. No one will be sniggering at Romeo Beckham's name because they will be too busy trying to wrangle a signed copy of his mum's latest CD. Or maybe not.

This super-celebrity baby naming trend then trickles down to your standard celebrities, your high profiles, your b-lists, c-lists, z-lists, weathermen, 15 minutes of reality TV fame people and finally settling at the bottom of the barrel with your Channel 9 TV presenters. They delude themselves into thinking they too will be able to get away with naming their children after colours on the Dulux Matte Acrylic Paint wheel but sadly, they can't. Their fame is hardly big enough to cover their own inflated sense-of-self, let alone stretch to accommodate their spouse or children.

So poor Mahoganee Elastoplast Stefanovic M.D., will be forever fighting for respect in the medical world while her colleagues affectionately refer to her as "the hog" and her patients wonder if her father was a Davis Cup tennis player in the 90s.


By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

Monday 26 July 2010

Lawn vs Grass

Charlene writes:
“I haven’t bothered Googling this myself because Monique will know! When is grass considered lawn? Why does one generally mow lawns but play on the grass? Hmm? Can’t wait to find out!”
Well, let me start by saying Charlene, you’ve come to the right place. As someone who grew up in the North West of Sydney on the mandatory quarter-acre block, I am undoubtedly qualified to answer your lawn and grass playing query. Plus, I have an Aunt called Lorna.
The first part of your question enquires about the definition of lawn, specifically, when grass becomes lawn. It is also the place where we stumble across the first problem, which is; your question. It’s the wrong one.
Grass becomes lawn when it is tended to. The question should be; what can be considered lawn? Why should this be the question? Because it allows a longer answer and is therefore more suitable for my blog.
According to the bits of Wikipedia I like or agree with, lawn consists of grasses or other low-lying, durable plants that are maintained at a low and even height.
In the case of my mother, this can involve a camomile patch that people are encouraged, nay forced, to trample over, in order to release its subtle fragrance, thereby masking the smell of dog turd visitors must step in to get to the camomile patch.
Lawn maintenance is done by machine (lawn mower or grass cutter), by hand using a scythe while wearing a black cloak and Scream mask, or by grazing animals such as goats, sheep or confused pigs.
The criteria of lawn needing to be maintained and not always being made of grass, explains why we “mow the lawn”.
So why “play on the grass” and not “play on the lawn”?
As a lawn can be made of plants other than grass, it helps to identify which type of lawn you wish your children to play on. My father took this clarification one step further, and specified which grass in particular we were allowed to play on.
“You can go on the buffalo, but stay off the couch if you’re playing ball games or wearing shoes and for god’s sake don’t go anywhere near the mini-mondo, I just put Osmocote on it and your mother will kill me if you walk that into the house”
Actually, we could all take a blade of grass out of my dad’s book regarding being particular when banishing our children to the backyard. As rice, bamboo and barley are also grasses, it would be of benefit to all if we specifically named the exact grass we mean.
“Out to the bahiagrass children”
“Why don’t you play on the carex praegracilis instead of watching TV?”
"I'm a boy so I don't need to go on the toilet, I can just do it out there on the kikuyu"
Or you could issue no such instructions and employ Holden Caulfield to safely monitor and catch your children as they roam through the waving cereals of your rye field. Up to you.
Closing fact – cannabis is not a grass.

By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

Tuesday 20 July 2010

Why does Facebook default to "Top News", even after I have selected "Most Recent"?

From the Facebook help centre -

Top News aggregates the most interesting content that your friends are posting, while the Most Recent filter shows you all the actions your friends are making in real-time.

The News Feed algorithm bases this on a few factors: how many friends are commenting on a certain piece of content, who posted the content, and what type of content it is (e.g. photo, video, or status update).




And that's about it. No information on how to set "Most Recent" as your default. After Googling, it seems even the anoraks of the social networking world haven't found a work around.


My suggestion is you "Like" this page I hate "Top News" by clicking...it...really...REALLY...HARD.



By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

Monday 19 July 2010

What is the song being played for Jarryd "The Hayne Train"?

Insert: There are clickable links in the blue words. Just sayin...

Lou Ana asks;

"Last resort, Facebook - a song, I know I know it. it's a train theme song, media always play it as a backing to Jarryd 'Hayne Train' it's mid-late 1990's Hip Hop/RnB, I hear it I think Arg! THAT song, can't for the life me remember any lyrics. King of 90's music (insert anonymous friend name)? or (insert another anonymous friend name) you were into that kinda music, don't know why I think that but weren't you? Anyone else?"

Firstly, Lou Ana, Facebook is only your last resort AFTER you have emailed moniquewillknow@gmail.com

And how on earth could you go past me for music trivia, ESPECIALLY 90's music trivia which was my hey-day?

I'm the forgiving type, however I reserve the right to tsk-tsk-tsk and loftily say "hmm, gee, I don't know..." when you ask me to help you out of your next retro related puzzle.

On to the answer.

You defined the parameters of your mystery song by placing it in the era known as The 90's. This tells me that your song was released sometime between 1990 and 1999, and up to 2008 in some Eastern European countries.

So how does this help us identify your elusive ditty?

By looking at music in the 90's, and taking your Hip Hop/Rap suggestion, but considering the song was mainstream, this undoubtedly means your song falls under the umbrella of "Dance" music, possibly in the arena of electronica fused with Hip Hop. Particularly, the sub-sub-sub (dub-dub-dub) genre of "Hands up" or Eurodance music.

This puts me in mind of the lyrical genius of Teknotronic ("Pump it up a little more, get the party goin' on the dance floor, see 'cause that's where the party's at and you'll find out if you do that") and Black Box ("You just walk right in, walk, walk, walk right in Waaah Woh") who paved the way for Corona ("This is the rhythm of my life, my life, oh yeah") and Ace of Base ("So if you're in sight, and the day is right, she's the hunter, you're the fox").

Which means we're looking at synthesisers, "kick" bass drum, catchy (read: simple, non-sensical) lyrics and powerful vocals, often with rapped verses ("I'm serious as cancer when I say, rhythm is a dancer"). Oh, and they were always sung in English, even if the singer didn't speak English, perhaps accounting for the afore-mentioned, dubious lyrics.

Finally, throw in the keyword Train and we arrive at our destination - Toot-Toot!

Or do we? It seems trains were popular in Eurodance 90's, as there is a veritable dining-car-smorgasbord of possibilities. Well, 3 to be exact.


A. The KLF (a.k.a. People of "K", Ancients of Mu Mu, The Timelords or WTF Are They On About)

with Last Train to Trancentral


B. Kadoc and Night Train


C. Quad City DJ's with C'mon 'N Ride It (The Train)



Slipping in the name "Jarryd Hayne", they become;

"Last Jarryd Hayne to Trancentral"

Or

"All aboard, Jarryd Hayne"

Or

"C'mon Jarryd Hayne, ride it"


Which all sound ridiculous, making them perfectly 90's.

I'm bored now, so I'll just give you the answer.

It's C.

The Quad City DJ's can now lay claim to Jarryd "The Hayne Train"'s theme song.

Spend the royalties wisely DJ's. Buy some ecstasy, hire a few girls in g-strings, wake up with your happy-pants soaked in Bacardi Breezer and then waste the rest of the money.

Wow. I think that's the longest time I've ever spent on something Rugby League related, unless you count yawning.

Interesting fact about Jarryd Hayne: Before he joined the Parramatta Eels, he was an amateur diver.

By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

Monday 12 July 2010

Why is your snot green, yellow or "other" in colour?

First of all, EWWWW! Gross question Kellie, but an interesting one that is relevant to anyone with a shnozz. Exit Voldemort.

A quick Google search returned results which included a web article from The Naked Scientist, encouragingly called - What do Snot and Wasabi have in common?

But you didn't come here to my blog to have to wade through the scientific facts of snot - that's my privilege. Plus, I own the appropriate rubber-based protective gear to do so hygienically.

I must warn you however, that I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. So you can trust me.

From what I can deduce, there are 2 types of mucous gunk in the nose/mouth/throat region.

1. Nasal mucous (snot) - produced at the back of the nose
2. Phlegm - produced in the rest of the respiratory tract (the breathing bits of your throat and chest)

Both mucosae (mucuses) are water-based liquids (never a gas, sometimes a solid when dried and needs picking) containing carbohydrates, salt and importantly for our question, protein cells.

The normal colour of mucous is clear to white, but depending on the health of the person, it can be brown from the tar in cigarettes, pink/red/rust/black from blood, or yellow/green - the colour of interest to us.

Mucous is always present in the nose and throat as it keeps the tissue in the area moist and acts as a barrier to protect the lungs from foreign bodies like pollen, dust or East Timorese boat people. Actually, I may have gotten confused on that one with all the tabs I have open at the same time.

Anyway, once it has done its job, we either hock up the mucus, or mostly, it goes down into our stomachs to meet up with acids to kill any infection-causing bacteria.

So why the skittles-like range of colours? Mucous, like Matt Preston, is very absorbent and easily soaks up other liquids and solids like tears, blood and tar, which explains all the colours (EXCEPT yellow and green!).

Let's look at enzymes! These are protein cells that increase a chemical reaction.

The two funky hues in question, are created by the cells in the mucous itself rushing to the site of the threat (bacteria, viruses etc.) and overpowering it with powerful antiseptic chemicals. This potent immune response results in the mucous cells being killed alongside the foreign cells and build up of these dead cells causes the yellow colour (think of the colour of dry/dead skin). The green colour is created by the iron in co-enzymes (helpers to the enzymes) that are needed to produce the antiseptic chemicals.

The more serious the infection; the more enzymes needed; the greener your snot.

The iron in the co-enzymes is the same iron that gives wasabi its green colour. Real wasabi that is, not the stuff we have here in Australia (or indeed anywhere out of Japan really) which is horseradish paste dyed with blue and yellow colour.

And there is your answer! Well, an answer.

It sounds right, and so long as you deliver the information here in an authoritative manner, I doubt anyone is going to question it. And if they do, just flick a nice green booger ball at their back.

The wise sage Jim Carrey once said "Is that tempura in your belly or are you just happy sashimi?"




By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

Why is it called The Netherlands AND Holland, but they're called Dutch?

I can't think of any genuine examples (in English) where a country's nationality is completely different sounding to the country name. I live in Australia, therefore I am Australian. People in France, are French. Germany, Germans. Etcetera, etcetera, you get the drift.

So I got to wondering why the Dutch don't live in Dutchland, or alternatively, call themselves Hollanders or Netherlanders.

To Wikipedia I said! (To myself)

After much reading, re-reading, scrolling, link clicking, reading slowly out loud and Googling, I have managed to condense all I found into a simple explanation.
I make no bones about it being a very rudimentary, and most likely naive abridgement, but hey; it's an answer and I hope it satisfies your curiosity.The curiosity you probably didn't even know you had until you stumbled on this blog post.

First, the history and geography.
When Europe was made up of regions rather than the geographically and politically defined countries we have today, the Netherlands was used to describe the low lands of Europe. Eventually most of the area officially became the Netherlands (yes the punctuation of 'the' is correct). When grouped with the dependent regions of the Netherlands (currently the Caribbean islands of Aruba and Netherlands Antilles) they are collectively called the Kingdom of the Netherlands.
Holland is a region of the Netherlands that is commonly (altho wrongly, even by the Dutch, out of convenience when speaking English), used to describe the Netherlands as a whole. Historically, the region of Holland politically dominated the Netherlands (the French took control of Holland and referred to all of the Netherlands as the Kingdom of Holland) which may account for its widespread use for the entire mainland Netherlands. In much the same way as the United Kingdom is often, incorrectly, called England.

Next, some more
etymology.
The word Dutch is an English one and derives from one of the languages spoken in the region - Diets. It was used to describe the "common" people of the low lands and their languages, as the aristocracy and the upper class spoke latin. People in the Netherlands only use the term 'Dutch' when speaking English, and do so because it's the most easily recognised word in English to refer to the people of the Netherlands.

In the Netherlands itself, they call the country the Nederland, themselves Nederlanders and the language Nederlands. Those who live in the region of Holland, may also refer to themselves as Hollanders.

And another trivial fact you didn't even know you wanted to know - the colour orange is a symbol of the Netherlands because it represents the political movement known as Orangism: monarchist support for the Prince of Orange against the French backed Napoleonic government in the Netherlands.




By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

Sunday 11 July 2010

Why is The Karate Kid (2010) movie about Kung Fu?

I haven't seen the movie myself, but a recent Facebook post by a friend drew attention to the anomaly that is the title vs. the subject of this film.

Some say the original Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita version cannot be surpassed. Those same champions of the 1984 film, are probably still waxing on and off in the Cobra Kai Dojo of their long-gone youth, and there they should stay.

However, Columbia Pictures, in their Hollywood wisdom, decided the time was ripe to challenge for the top spot in The Karate Kid franchise. With the producing skills of Will Smith behind the project, they have tried to best such notable opponents as The Karate Kid, Part II, The Karate Kid, part III and The Next Karate Kid.

And so we have The Karate Kid (2010) starring Jaden "my-dad-is-a-triple-threat" Smith and Jackie "I-also-sing" Chan.

This version however, is not set in Japan, the home of Karate, but China, the home of Kung Fu in its myriad forms.

As Chan is a Kung Fu expert in real life (as is his character Han in the movie), Smith's bullied Dre Parker is taught this discipline in the movie, rather than karate.

So why not call the movie The Kung Fu Kid?

Well they did. Just not in the English-speaking versions. They obviously didn't trust us to make the connection with the original movie(s), even with a re-creation of the famous *spoiler alert* catching-flies-with-chopsticks scene in all the trailers.

At a stretch, you could say that Dre is The Karate Kid at the beginning of the film because he knows a little bit of karate, but not enough to defeat his pre-pubescent nemesis Cheng. A tenuous link, but there none the less.

The movie translates to The Kung Fu Kid in International versions and Best Kid in Japan.

Added fact thrown in for free - Did you know Jackie Chan lived and worked in Canberra, Australia in 1976?

And now I leave you with this Funny Or Die video about what happened to Ralph Macchio. Tragic.



By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here. The information I provide has no guarantee of accuracy and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer as I am the factually correct answer.

Where is Olivia's camera case?

After many a drunken night with Olivia in our uni days, I am well prepared for this question, along with the more common "Where's Olivia's camera?" question.

The answer on Saturday night could have been:

a. With Louise who never gave it back
b. In Olivia's bag of tricks
c. Anywhere in The Hillside Tav

In the end it was on the floor at her feet.

Mystery solved Scooby-Doo.

By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.