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MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com


*Disclaimer*

Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

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Monday 26 July 2010

Lawn vs Grass

Charlene writes:
“I haven’t bothered Googling this myself because Monique will know! When is grass considered lawn? Why does one generally mow lawns but play on the grass? Hmm? Can’t wait to find out!”
Well, let me start by saying Charlene, you’ve come to the right place. As someone who grew up in the North West of Sydney on the mandatory quarter-acre block, I am undoubtedly qualified to answer your lawn and grass playing query. Plus, I have an Aunt called Lorna.
The first part of your question enquires about the definition of lawn, specifically, when grass becomes lawn. It is also the place where we stumble across the first problem, which is; your question. It’s the wrong one.
Grass becomes lawn when it is tended to. The question should be; what can be considered lawn? Why should this be the question? Because it allows a longer answer and is therefore more suitable for my blog.
According to the bits of Wikipedia I like or agree with, lawn consists of grasses or other low-lying, durable plants that are maintained at a low and even height.
In the case of my mother, this can involve a camomile patch that people are encouraged, nay forced, to trample over, in order to release its subtle fragrance, thereby masking the smell of dog turd visitors must step in to get to the camomile patch.
Lawn maintenance is done by machine (lawn mower or grass cutter), by hand using a scythe while wearing a black cloak and Scream mask, or by grazing animals such as goats, sheep or confused pigs.
The criteria of lawn needing to be maintained and not always being made of grass, explains why we “mow the lawn”.
So why “play on the grass” and not “play on the lawn”?
As a lawn can be made of plants other than grass, it helps to identify which type of lawn you wish your children to play on. My father took this clarification one step further, and specified which grass in particular we were allowed to play on.
“You can go on the buffalo, but stay off the couch if you’re playing ball games or wearing shoes and for god’s sake don’t go anywhere near the mini-mondo, I just put Osmocote on it and your mother will kill me if you walk that into the house”
Actually, we could all take a blade of grass out of my dad’s book regarding being particular when banishing our children to the backyard. As rice, bamboo and barley are also grasses, it would be of benefit to all if we specifically named the exact grass we mean.
“Out to the bahiagrass children”
“Why don’t you play on the carex praegracilis instead of watching TV?”
"I'm a boy so I don't need to go on the toilet, I can just do it out there on the kikuyu"
Or you could issue no such instructions and employ Holden Caulfield to safely monitor and catch your children as they roam through the waving cereals of your rye field. Up to you.
Closing fact – cannabis is not a grass.

By Monique Kowalczyk

So what do you want to know?
MoniqueWillKnow@gmail.com

*Disclaimer*
Please don't go basing your PhD Thesis on anything I write here.
The information I provide comes with no guarantee of accuracy, and I'm just as likely to provide the most entertaining answer, as I am the factually correct answer.

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